Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
