guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
