i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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