new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
