so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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