It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Randomize
