Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
