If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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