i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
