i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
