god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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