he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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