Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
