I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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