I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
