I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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