It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
