tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
