i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
