I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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