Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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