then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
