I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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