I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
