just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
