Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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