Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
