my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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