okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
