What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
