The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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