I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
