I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am available for nakedness
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
