I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
