I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
