I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
