two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
