im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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