Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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