3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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