May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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