wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
