Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
