you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
