i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He better not be in your backpack
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I could fuck to npr.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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