nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
