i wish my penis had a tongue
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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