I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize