my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
