I cannot find my penis.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
