my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
