nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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