Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
