you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
