Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's never too late to be topless.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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