I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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