You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
