My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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