why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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