if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
