I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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