K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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