so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
