im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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