I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
