There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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