Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize