If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
