nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
