I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I love you.
Bad choice
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
